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Field Trip! transcript
(Cosmo is seen at his desk. The phone rings.) Cosmo: Belbury Middle School, talk to me. Colleen: Hey uh, Mr. Kadic, I think me and Alison are coming down with something. Cosmo: Really? Colleen: Yeah, I'd come in, but before I got to the phone I nearly fainted. I don't want this to happen again, let alone at a bad time. Alison's much worse though, pale face, clammy, the works. Cosmo: I'm sorry to hear that. Drink plenty of water and get plenty of rest. (hangs up) Colleen: He bought it! Alison: Sweet! (Cosmo's phone rings again.) Jerry: Uh... excuse me Mr. Kadic. I think I came down with something fierce. Cosmo: Your voice says numbers on that. Jerry: I'd come in, but chances are what I may have may spread. My sister learned that the hard way. Cosmo: Best wishes to you two. (hangs up) Jerry: Jenny, your dry pill worked! Jenny: I told you so! (Cosmo gets a series of sick calls.) Cosmo: Something's seriously wrong. Then again, I could always use a day off. (intro plays) (back to Cosmo. His phone rings.) Cosmo: If you're sick then just don't bother calling! Enid: Cosmo it's Enid. Cosmo: Oh. Enid: Listen, I haven't seen my daughter all morning. Is she at school? Cosmo: No, I thought she'd be at home. She's sick, remember? Enid: Sick? Cosmo: Apparently my whole school is sick. Enid: Cosmo, I think you've been had. Cosmo: Had? That explains the copious phone calls. What should I do? Chances are these punks are far from the landlines by now. Enid: Why not assemble them and ask them yourself? Kids are more receptive when they're relaxed. Cosmo: Good point, but if I do it they'll know something's up. Is Bob around? Enid: He's on a fishing trip. He won't be back till tonight. Cosmo: I'll just get the Binders to do it then. They always know what to do. (it cuts to the kids playing outside. They hear an ice cream truck.) Emily: Ice cream? This early? Alison: It's weird and suspicious, yet sweet and delicious. Colleen: Plus it's all of us against one. Alison: Follow that truck! (the kids follow the ice cream truck as it drives away. Jerv and Preston are inside of it.) Jerv: We're going to arouse suspicion over this, but it'll be worth it. Preston: I'm just glad we didn't have to resort to plan B. Jerv: Now if you'll excuse me I have to tie up some loose ends. Preston: I'm sure that has a loose connection to your current intentions. (Jerv opens the back.) Jerv: You want ice cream? We got ice cream. By the net! (Jerv throws a net on the children and drags them.) (it cuts to the auditorium where the kids are sitting.) Preston: Thank you for taking part in this, let's call it a focus group. Today, we're going to discuss your current opinions on school. Now don't be nervous and don't hold back, no one affiliated with the school is here. (a sneeze is heard and a nearby mirror vibrates.) Preston: That could be anyone but a school affiliate. Now, what's your current opinion on... coming to school? Alison: It's okay, I guess. (the students mutter in agreement.) Preston: Would it be more okay if we had... celebrity guest appearances? All: NO! Preston: Agreed. What do you think of your teachers? Er, teacher, this school is seriously understaffed. Julie: She's nuts, but we have her by the reigns. Preston: Is the lunch okay? Colleen: Depends on what day it is. Otherwise we bring bagged lunch. Preston: How're you with homework? Do you need more time to do it? Jerry: We normally do it at night, we get the rest of our stuff done immediately after school. Preston: So... you have nothing against this school? Alison: Not that we could think of. (Cosmo appears from the mirror.) Cosmo: NOTHING!? YOU CALL IN SICK IN WHAT SEEMS LIKE A SIGN THAT YOU HATE SCHOOL, BUT YOU'RE GENERALLY OKAY WITH IT!? Alison: Mr. Kadic, we're fine with school, going to it and its ins and outs, but it's starting to wear on our minds. Every day we do the same thing. We need a change. Cosmo: What do you have in mind? Alison: How about a field trip? Cosmo: A field trip!? That sounds... reasonable actually. Colleen: What's the catch? Cosmo: We need supervisors. That way I won't have to waste money making permission slips. Alison: How many supervisors do you need? Cosmo: Enough to further my break. I need an honest day off. Alison: Consider it done. Cosmo: Great, and I guess since it's so late in the day- (the kids leave.) Cosmo: I should've stayed home. (later, it goes to Ned's house. Ned is working on a model UFO.) Ned: Maybe I should hire a taxidermist, it'll save me time in the long run. Jerry: DAD! COME OUT HERE! Ned: Fine! (Ned comes outside.) Jerry: Look in the sky. Ned: For how long? I can't keep my head back for to long, doctor's orders. Jerry: Well... Hang on. (Jerry takes out a walkie-talkie.) Jerry: Jen, where're you? Jenny: Jerston, we have a problem. (Jenny is seen in a small plane and crashes into a tree in the front yard.) Jenny: Will you be a supervisor for our field trip? Ned: Field trip? Where to? Jerry: Dunno. We suggested it and we had to sweeten the deal by letting Mr. Kadic decide. Ned: Just one thing, is Kerry involved in this? Jerry: I hope not, not to our knowledge. Ned: I was hoping to keep working on my models this week, but okay. Jerry/Jenny: YAY! Ned: On one condition. Jerry: What? Ned: I heard about you two calling in sick. I'm taking your allowances for the week to pay for my personal expenses. Jenny: Understood. (it cuts to Colleen's house. The doorbell rings and Enid answers it.) Bob: Well, they swindled me again! Caught a big one and the captain forced me to throw it back. We have no fishing laws in this state! Enid: Relax, I have a special dinner in the works. Bob: Special as in I knew my husband couldn't deliver so here's me rubbing it into his face. Enid: Hmph, maybe I should move in with my mother in Lendel. Bob: You and your mother will spend an eternity in the drink if you don't get me the goods! (Bob holds his hands out and Enid gets him some painkillers.) Colleen: Mom! Dad! Enid: Coming dear! (Enid heads upstairs.) Enid: Are you deaf!? She called the both of us! Bob: I'm trying dear it's hard! (they get to Colleen's room.) Enid: Okay, we gave you your allowance three days ago, you're too young to follow in my career, your father enjoys fishing alone, was one of those what you wanted to ask? Colleen: I need you guys to be supervisors on a field trip. Bob: Where's it going to be? Colleen: It's a surprise. Gotta ask Mr. Kadic. Bob: Cosmo's idea huh? I hope Kerry isn't coming along. Colleen: It's Mr. Kadic, there's no way Kerry would be around unless it was convenient for him. Bob: Well, I nearly laid the grounds for a divorce, guess a trip could really ease the nerves. Enid: Now hold on, we heard about that stunt you pulled this morning, why should we let you go? Colleen: It's mandatory. We did that because of how clockwork school days have become. This trip is an attempt at breaking the cycle. Enid: Okay. We'll be your supervisors, and you could go on the trip. But no more funny business, we won't be so nice the second time. Colleen: Deal. Now what's for dinner? Enid: Well- (Enid sees smoke entering the room.) Enid: We're having Chinese tonight. (it goes to Francis' house.) Francis: But dad, I want you to be a supervisor. Lars: I'm sorry Franny, but I'm needed tomorrow. Have you forgotten that I'm a senator? Francis: But you're my dad too. Lars: I'll just get Samuel and Rooney to supervise. Francis: Ugh, they're ten year olds in near-middled aged bodies. Lars: Watch your mouth, fyi, I know about that stunt you pulled this morning. Consider them being your supervisors your punishment, now suck it up or else I'll have you do the servants jobs for the next few months. Francis: Yes sir... (it goes to Kerry, who's holding Angela over a filled bathtub.) Kerry: This is what happens when you ditch school! Angela: I get wet? Kerry: No, I'm trying to give you hypothermia. Angela: This water's warm. Kerry: Darn. Maybe I should just call Cosmo and make him give you a harsh punishment. (Kerry calls Cosmo.) Cosmo: Get lost Kerry! And don't come to school tomorrow morning! (Cosmo hangs up.) Kerry: Me thinks an opportunity's afoot. (the next day, everyone's at school. Enid also brought her friends and the Binders are present.) Alison: What a turnout. Colleen: Guess you could say people really want us to accept school. Alison: I'll take it. We get a field trip, and the best part is, no ramifications. Kerry: Hey everyone! (everyone groans.) Cosmo: I told you to stay away. Kerry: Because I'd be happening on an opportunity goldmine? I figured all of these kids needed a hard lesson on calling in sick. Cosmo: They need to break the cycle, whatever that means, and I intend to do it without veering into grizzly territory. Kerry: Fine, enjoy getting walked all over by a bunch of little stinkers! But I'm not giving up! Cosmo: You should now. Since I backed this trip, I get to decide where we go. Kerry: Did you get a bus? Cosmo: Did I get a bus, look behind you. (they see a giant bus behind them.) Kerry: How did I miss that? Cosmo: All aboard! (everyone goes onto the bus.) Kerry: Does this bus have one of those little bathrooms? Enid: How'd you afford this Cosmo? Cosmo: It's a rental. Got this three months ago. (it goes to the front.) Man: Sir. (Cosmo screams and drives the bus backwards into a grocery store.) Bob: Is everyone alright!? Alison: Did we lose the bus? Cosmo: Forget the bus, imagine how many textbooks I'd have to sell to pay for this collateral damage. Kerry: I'll pay for it, full stop. (Kerry gives the money to both parties.) Cosmo: Where'd you get it? Jerv: Crud did I leave my money at home? Preston: I think I did the same thing. Kerry: Well well well, I paid for the damages, I elect to pick the next vehicle, I'm in control now! Cosmo: Congrats, you're a git. (it goes to the school. Kerry opens a garage below the school.) Kerry: Cosmo may've never told you this, but we have a place for old school buses come their time. Phoebe: Well it does explain that weird smell. Julie: So do you salvage these buses for spare parts or- Kerry: No, I used to hide them under here to avoid paying the dumps to have them put there. Cosmo: Classic. So you plan to make a Frankenstein project out of one of these buses? Kerry: I found one who's engine's still working, and has a gas pipe with no cracks in it. Old reliable's her name, take a gander. (they see a broken down looking bus.) Alison: Is it behind that piece of crud? Kerry: Don't let its rough exterior fool you. After all, you let that punk Dallow into your ranks. Julie: I have a rough exterior but a good personality. That bus looks like it'll break inside and out. Dolly: Maybe it totally looks good on the inside! (Dolly goes inside and walks back out.) Dolly: I wanna go home... Kerry: No sale. Everyone into the bus. (everyone groans.) Kerry: I'm in charge. You do as I say. I say get in. Cosmo: You're lucky you bailed me out today Greasy Adams. (everyone gets into the bus.) Cosmo: Do you have the keys? Alison: No keys? Guess that means we're off. Kerry: What do you think this screwdriver is for? (Kerry starts the bus.) Kerry: Purrs like a kitten. Colleen: Purrs like a kitten, farts like a dog after eating brussels sprouts. Kerry: And away we go! (Kerry drives the bus out of the school.) Kerry: And you wanted to bail- (The bus stutters.) Kerry: How could we be out of gas? This hasn't been used in years and there's only a little crack on the gas pipe! Cosmo: Well we don't know, do we? All we know is that you're pushing this all the way to the gas station. Kerry: Fine, jerks. (it goes to the gas station, everyone's talking.) Ruth: Francis never told me she had uncles. Tiberius: Last I asked she said you two fell off a boat and got killed by an untouched civilization. Samuel: She's a kidder alright. Every time she lies, her vain gets a little bigger. We used to call her Veinochio. Francis: That's not funny. Rooney: I see your vein growing. Francis: That's because I'm about to have an aneurysm. Enid: This was when I worked at the Caballero Control Corporation. We mainly worked on Marvel parodies and school-related productions. After that I became a sign twirler at my local gym and I got an offer to do some bodybuilding. Leland: Please, please tell us there's more! Jerry: In picture form. Kerry: Bus is filled- Boys: GET OUT! (later, the bus is seen down the highway.) Cosmo: So where're you taking us Kerry? Kerry: That's a surprise. Cosmo: If it's to some torture fantasy- Kerry: Would you stop downplaying everything I do? It's giving me a rash. Cosmo: Well your bus is giving me low test scores. (it cuts to the back where the students there are choking on the exhaust.) (to the other kids.) Alison: Where do you think Kerry's taking us? Dolly: I totally think he's taking us to the dentist, where they won't use anesthetic and rip out our teeth, so we won't be able to make sick calls ever again. Colleen: Nah, too simple. He's going to take us to go through some witch ritual, where one of Ron Howard's relatives will (whistles) us with a weird mask. Sam: Witches don't do that, at least not anymore. He's going to take us to a toy store with a disturbing name, where a robot will dry- Penny: You're all wrong. He's going to take us all to Texas. Where a chainsaw maniac will hunt us down and feed us to a centenarian. Elizabeth: You idiot, he's just going to mold us into furniture. Kerry: YOU'RE ALL WRONG! But you'll learn something, that's the MO. Samuel: I'd give you a big NO on that MO, Bozo. Francis: Uncle Sam, stop. Kerry: Is that so? Samuel: Yeah! That's so. Kerry: You're too old to learn lessons. Rooney: Nobody should be going through your lessons, idiot. Francis: Excuse me, I need to go throw up. Rooney: Franny, I got some barf- Samuel: Forget it Roonster, just give her some time. (to Jerv and Preston.) Jerv: I'm surprised we made it this far with all of our passengers. Preston: I'm surprised this junk heep was able to start. (they hear creaking.) Jerv: It's time. (the two leap forward as the seat collapses.) Jerv: A pity that Autumn didn't have the gall. (it cuts to Autumn holding on from a bar in the seat in front of her as the floor beneath her broke.) Autumn: Owowowowow! (to Bob and Enid) Bob: These people are idiots. Enid: Kerry's the only true idiot here honey. Bob: No, I mean the people that put up these signs. They're backwards. Enid: How could that be? Bob: I dunno. It's like they want us to go a different way. Enid: WAIT! (they look outside and see a sign that says "WRONG WAY") Enid: Oh my goodness. Bob: TURN AROUND! Kerry: You're not in control Dixon. Bob: You're going the wrong way! Kerry: What? Bob/Enid: YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY! Kerry: What're you talking about? I've been down this road many times before. Bob: Yeah, two decades ago! Kerry: What's that supposed to mean? Enid: THEY REROUTED THIS ROAD! Kerry: Suck it up, there's no traffic here. Bob: YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEBODY! PROVIDED WE DON'T GET KILLED OURSELVES! Kerry: Pssh, whiners. Right Cosmo? Cosmo? Cosmo: T-t-t-tr-tr-t-t-tr-tr-tru... Kerry: Truth? (Kerry looks ahead and sees two trucks driving toward them. They drive between both and everyone screams.) Kerry: See? You just gotta have faith. Delta: You idiot! I'm old and prone to shock, I don't need a blast in the ticker like that! Kerry: Really? If it's so bad, why'd you come along? Delta: I assumed Cosmo would headline things. Now wake me up when we're there. (Delta goes to sleep.) Amber: Where're we even going? Don't leave us hanging here. Kerry: We're going to shut up and wait until we get there, and we may be there sooner than we thought. Amber: Oh? What makes you so sure of that? Kerry: We're about to crash through a road barrier and careen down a cliff because I didn't make a turn in time. (Kerry crashes through the barrier.) Kerry: Speak of the devil. (the bus falls.) Jerry: I knew it! I knew somehow this field trip would bring us NOTHING BUT TROUBLE! Cosmo: At least I'll die knowing that I had a good reason to hate this clown. Bob: Likewise. (Ned is seen screaming as his life flashes before his eyes. On a mountain.) Ned: Why man? Why can't I prove that aliens exist? (On a couch eating cookies.) Ned: They're putting more chocolate into these things, they don't play fair. (to Alison and Colleen.) Alison: Colleen, this may be our last time together. There's something I've been meaning to tell you. Colleen: Tell me anything, it won't matter. Alison: That shipment of computer games you got did come in, I tossed it. Colleen: WHAT!? Alison: How was I supposed to know? Colleen: You know my interests, you should tell me if computer games wind up on your doorstep! You're dead! Ms. Chapley: I HATE CHILDREN! (everyone's silent, except for Delta who's snoring. The kids look at her glaringly.) Ms. Chapley: How's that a surprise to any of you? Marie: I've got an idea! Everyone shift your weight to the back! Jenny: What'll that do? We're going to die anyways! Marie: Would you rather fly towards the windshield and go through an even worse death? Jenny: Well we could just get some serious bruises if we do your plan. (everyone moves and the bus becomes straight. Details fly off of it and they eventually land in the woods.) Kerry: Whoo! That's one way to get your blood flowing! (everyone in the back is seen clenching onto their seats, petrified. Preston has bitten down on Penny's head.) Preston: Pert? Delta: Hmmm, are we here already? What in the world? (everyone gets off the bus.) Alison: I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay. Cosmo: Land! Get me off this death trap! (Samuel and Rooney are seen holding one another. Francis groans.) Kerry: You had your doubts, but she held together. Cosmo: Yeah, she's one fine bus. (Cosmo kicks the bus and it completely breaks apart.) Cosmo: Oops I killed it. Alison: So what now Mr. Hubbard? Are we going to walk to your location now? Kerry: There'll be walking, but not to the location. We're already there. Alison: You're kidding? Cosmo: Just so we're clear, you intended to take us on a camping trip, in spite of the fact that we didn't have the idea to bring camping materials nor any way of getting back home, possibly setting up a morality tale. Kerry: Yeah? Cosmo: I'm supposed to be upset, but I think I'm just sick. Kerry: I'll go find a place to set up. (Kerry walks away.) Alison: Okay, I think I know how this is going to go down. We're going to get picked off one by one. Wayland, obviously you'd be first. Wayland: Oh sure, just because I happen to be a victim to racial bias in horror movies... Francis: Alison, be real. Obviously the weakest will be first, and it'll gradually go to the strongest. Emily: I didn't sign up for this, let's bail, maybe we could find a friendly psychopath to give us a more dignified death. (everyone runs, but is stopped by a loud noise.) Cosmo; Nobody's going anywhere! Okay, the situation's dire, but it's not the end of the world. All we have to do is resist Kerry until we could find a safe way out of here. Alison: What about- Cosmo: And forget about who's going to die first and the order of the deaths. Tommy: Unless it's hope that Mr. Hubbard and Ms. Chapley are part of either? Cosmo: Exactly. (it goes to a montage where everyone's trying to set up camp. Colleen seems to be struggling the most. It ends with Kerry attempting to start a fire.) Cosmo: You've been fiddling with that for nearly an hour. I think it's time to give up. Kerry: In your dreams. This is how the scouts do it. Cosmo: In other words, you didn't bring matches. Kerry: Shut up. (Kerry makes some sparks. Gasoline is shot near them and it ignites the fire. Kerry sees Cosmo with a turkey baster.) Kerry: Satisfied? Cosmo: The point is, we have a fire now. (everyone sits by the fire.) Bob: So what's up for tonight? A song? Scary stories? Kerry: I got some stories. One, the boy who- Wayland: I bet it's just that story where a boy claims he saw something while at the same time he was assigned to guard something valuable. Kerry: Will you- Wayland: Ohohoho-but wait, it's a lie, and soon when it actually happens people are too stupid to fall for it again, we know how your stories go, just don't bother. Ms. Chapley: Surely we could just retell the classic story, word for word? I mean Kerry's bound to stretch it. (the others groan.) Ms. Chapley: Fine! Riddle me this, who's going to be real sorry when wolves eat them while I live to see another day? (Ms. Chapley walks away but comes back.) Ms. Chapley: IT'S YOU JERKS! (Ms. Chapley walks away.) Enid: If you don't mind, me and the girls are going to the tent. (the five leave.) Samuel: Things are looking good. Rooney: Gonna be a guys kind of moment. Francis: Will you two shut up!? Samuel: You're too young to have a woman's needs. Francis: I need to go round up some food. Rooney: But we got a cooler full. (Francis knocks the cooler over.) Francis: And now we don't. (Francis walks off.) Ned: I don't want to say anything, but I think your relationship's disintegrating. Samuel: Come on, you know those teens. Rooney: Isn't she like, ten? Samuel: Oh my god! Colleen: How am I supposed to jumpstart my night without my jerky? Alison: What'd that do? Colleen: Psychological complex, you wouldn't understand. Oh, the tent! (Colleen heads to the tent, where she hears a conversation occurring inside.) Autumn: I couldn't help but think about what that Perrino kid said. Hanneke: For all we know, that might be the situation, once you factor in that Kerry's running the show. Amber: Alright, let's go over who'd go first according to the weakest to strongest spiel. Delta: Well I'm good. I can't take shock, but I still have some energy within me. I'd be closer to the end of the bottom half. Amber: Dare I say, Enid, your daughter might be the first to go. Colleen: What? Enid: I'd hate to say this, but she is the weakest among us. Autumn: It stinks, given that your family is known for their strength. Enid: I'll admit, I'm a bit disappointed. I'm the last in the line of the strongest it seems. (Colleen runs away.) Enid: But what am I saying? It's not the end of the world, and by goodness, I'll be there for my daughter no matter what. Amber: Let's hope she wasn't around to here this. Delta: Why? You're not looking for a b plot? (back to the campfire.) Kerry: I got one, you're going to love this. Why couldn't the boy get hit by a bus? Cosmo: Because you tortured him into not even crossing the street? Kerry: Look, I'm not going anywhere, so don't even try to force me away with your defiance. Hey, do we have any food? (it goes to Samuel and Rooney as thought bubbles appear in their heads.) Rooney: A hundred dollars for an idea and it won't even light. Samuel: Seventy nine cents, hah! (out of the thoughts) Samuel: Hey Kerry, on the off chance we run out of food, how's about you fetch us some nature food or whatever? So we'd be ready to improvise. Kerry: Sure, makes sense. You idiots wouldn't survive without me and my knowledge on what is and isn't poisoned. Ned: Especially since you once ate rat poison on the assumption it was candy. Kerry: You could eat dirt for all I care. (Kerry leaves.) Cosmo: Finally, a little peace. Bob: We're good on food, right? Cosmo: We brought five coolers of food. Then again with a large density of people it may not last. Angela: I know where this is going, I refuse to be eaten once the food runs out. Cosmo: Relax, we have Kerry and Ms. Chapley to remedy that. Angela: Whatever, I'm going to take a little walk. Cosmo: Don't stray too far from the campfire. (Angela walks away.) Julie: I'm going to head out too, the fire's getting low. Jupiter: Can I come too? Julie: Of course. (it goes to Angela. She sees Colleen sitting by a tree.) Angela: Colleen? What're you doing here? (She gets no answer.) Angela: Didn't even know you left. Is something wrong? Colleen: Hmph. Angela: Come on, fess up. (Angela pokes her.) Colleen: STOP IT! Angela: Okay, sorry. Uh, hang on I'll be back. (Angela leaves and comes across a bush of blackberries. She reaches to get one but Kerry grabs her hand.) Kerry: I don't think so. Angela: What? I was just picking one, these aren't poisonous and they don't belong to anyone. Kerry: You need to learn that some berries aren't safe for consumption. Angela: Blackberries? Kerry: What if they're more than just blackberries? Angela: Why don't you eat one of your approved berries and I eat a blackberry and we'll see what happens. Kerry: You're on. This mysterious green berry looks pretty promising. (both eat their berries and stare at each other. Kerry's ears steam and he runs away screaming.) Angela: I hope Colleen likes blackberries. (Angela picks some berries and goes back to Colleen.) Angela: Colleen, I'm not going anywhere until you talk. Colleen: What could you possibly do to convince me? Angela: Want some blackberries? Colleen: Fine, I'll talk. Do you think I'm... weak? Angela: Weak? How? Colleen: Unable to lift things by myself, underweight, skinny right down to the skeleton? Angela: Come on, how's that- (Colleen opens her jacket.) Angela: Oh I see, never mind. Why do you care if you're weak or not? Colleen: I'd be letting down an entire legacy of Dixons. Strength runs in the family, and look at me, just a toothpick with arms and legs. Angela: Okay, why are you stressing over this now of all times? Colleen: I heard my mom talking, implied that I'd be the first to die on a weakest to strongest scale. Can't blame her for thinking that. Angela: At least she doesn't torture you because you do something wrong. Colleen: I feel tortured by my situation. Angela: There's a logical way out of this. Colleen: You're right. I need to prove just how strong I am. I'll take everything head on. I am defiant! Take that mom! (Colleen runs off.) Angela: At least she's feeling better. (it goes to Julie and Jupiter.) Jupiter: This reminds me of when I lived in Marquette County. Julie: This is honestly my first time. Jupiter: Really? Julie: Never really been out of the city, or in the woods for long. It's kinda nice actually. Jupiter: I just hope we don't run into any monsters out here. Julie: Monsters? Jupiter: You know, wolves, bears, hyenas, poachers. Julie: Glad to see you're being realistic. Jupiter: I'm not? Julie: But don't worry Jupes, nothing bad'll happen. If it does, I'll be here. Jupiter: Not like we have any reason to split up Jules- (they hear wood snap.) Jupiter: What's that? Julie: I dunno. (they see a giant figure approaching them.) Jupiter: It's a monster! (Jupiter grabs a branch and beats the figure. They look and see it's Kerry.) Julie: Guess in some way you were right. Jupiter: Phew. So what do we do now? Julie: Well we can't leave him here to die. Maybe we should- Kerry: Uh... Julie: HE'S ALIVE! (the girls run screaming.) Kerry: Infidels, contrarians, coursing through the veins of life. TO THE CAVE! (Kerry runs away.) (the girls return to the campfire.) Cosmo: No firewood? Jupiter: We saw Kerry, I sorta... beat him up and we left him for possible dead. Cosmo: I'm so proud of you, but it's not the right thing to do. Bob: It's not like he'd be the only one unaccounted for. Ms. Chapley never came back either. Elizabeth: In these scenarios, a casualty or two is always expected. (the women return.) Enid: Hey guys, what'd we miss? Cosmo: Julie and Jupiter knocked Kerry out. Julie: He showed a sign of life, but I dunno, are we terrible people for not going back to him? Delta: Who's to say you can't go back to him now? Who's to say he won't come back to us? Julie: Well you got me there. (Angela and Colleen return.) Enid: Colleen? Where've you been? Angela: We were just taking a walk. Colleen: I didn't die or get eaten, don't you worry. Enid: Uh... okay? I'm glad you're safe. Colleen: Pssh, you would be. I could defend myself, I'm capable of doing it. Enid: I never said- Colleen: But you're thinking it! I'm sure of it. I need a nap. (Colleen goes to the tent.) Amber: What's eating her? Enid: I have... no idea. (they hear some screaming in the distance.) All: Now what? Delta: I believe that's the plot. Autumn: What're you on? Cosmo: Everyone stick together. Whatever it is could be dealt with in large numbers- (Cosmo sees everyone has run off.) Cosmo: Or just split up where it'd be easier to get picked off, that apparently works too! (Cosmo goes to the tent and is surprised to find everyone's inside of it.) Ned: You did say there's safety in numbers. Autumn: So where does this leave us? Cosmo: All we have to do is stay in here until the threat passes, or it comes to us and we take it down. Amber: And there's no telling how long we'd have to wait? Cosmo: Yep. Hey, is there any room in there? Bob: I dunno Cosmo, it seems kinda cramped in here. I don't want the tent to give otherwise we'd have no shelter. Cosmo: Come on I don't want to face this monster alone! Colleen: You won't have to, I'll go. Cosmo: Really? Enid: Colleen, I don't think- Colleen: You don't think what? That I'll make it? Get off my back, I'm strong enough to handle this! (Colleen goes out.) Cosmo: Thanks Colleen you're the best. (Colleen goes to the campfire.) Colleen: Oh man, I'm going to get slaughtered. No matter, I've got to try, I can do it, I'm strong, I'm defiant, I'm going to wind up in the hospital but it'll be worth it! (Colleen stands her ground as Kerry and Ms. Chapley emerge, looking disheveled and crazy.) Colleen: This is it, my destiny, my calling- (Colleen is knocked into the tree.) Colleen: My pancreas... Enid: Are you sure you don't want any help? Colleen: Leave me alone! I could handle this myself. (a fight montage occurs. Colleen is near beaten and lays against a tree) Colleen: Man I wish I still had that leech. (Kerry and Ms. Chapley approach her and she sees a rock on the ground.) Colleen: Or... (Colleen throws a rock at Kerry, knocking him down.) Colleen: Should've done something like this in the first place. Ms. Chapley: You may have defeated Kerry, but you won't- (Ms. Chapley stops as Colleen holds a match and her copy of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.) Colleen: Come to me and the book gets it! Ms. Chapley: Fine I surrender! (Ms. Chapley runs off. Kerry gets up and flees as well. The others join Colleen.) Enid: Colleen, thank goodness you're okay! Rooney: You're a dynamo! Colleen: You'd better believe it. I'm no weak girl like you make me out to be. Enid: Again with this? Colleen: You know what never mind! I'm going to lean against a tree and heal. (Colleen walks away.) Enid: Seriously, what's happening? Delta: I think she was in earshot. Enid: What did I say? All I said was that she was weak and- Oh god I blew it! Amber: This is so your problem. Enid: What should I do...? Samuel: Enid, sometimes not everything could happen the way you want it to, like with Colleen being weak. Her brain's pretty strong, she managed to get two full grown adults to scram. Maybe she has the strength in the least likely places. Enid: So basically, it's not what's on the outside but the inside? Rooney: Or if you want something that makes more sense, we are who we are, we can't explain why we are the way we are, but if we're happy and not hurting anyone, why should that give anyone any grief? Enid: I got this, you guys hang here. Francis: You know uncle Sam, for a pain in the neck and a guy who's basically a ten year old in a forty something year old body, you tied it all together nicely. Samuel: In a way, I followed Rooney's version. Francis: And here I was trying to avoid you two because of a one-sided perception. But that still doesn't mean I forgive you for when your childishness got- Rooney: If you go off to barf again or if you keep treating us like dirt we'll tell Lars. Francis: All is forgiven! (it goes to Enid who finds Colleen.) Enid: I get why you're mad at me Colleen. I want to apologize for what I said back there, I didn't mean it like that, guess I forgot I was dealing with my own daughter. Colleen: I'm not... just a disappointment to you? Enid: What? No, I've dealt with much bigger disappointments. You're my daughter, and after everything that happened today, I got to see where your strength lies. Colleen: In my heart? Enid: Actually your brain. I would've just gone in blindly with my fists, maybe my feet. Colleen: I wouldn't say it'd be too late for you to do that strategy. Kerry and Ms. Chapley could come back at some point. Enid: If that's so, I'll take it from here. Colleen: No mom, WE'LL take it from here. You and me, and the others if they want in. Enid: It's a deal. (both bump fists. Kerry and Ms. Chapley return.) Enid: Colleen? Colleen: Ms. Chapley is the fastest, Kerry's the strongest. Go for her, I'll keep Kerry busy. Enid: Roger. (Enid tackles Ms. Chapley while Colleen lures Kerry away. Kerry tackles her.) Colleen: Ugh! Your breath smells like fertilizer. Kerry: You're going to clean the steps of Neverland! Colleen: What? Kerry: You're not going anywhere. Colleen: Ergh! (Colleen squirms and manages to get free.) Colleen: Huh, thank you skinniness. (Colleen runs to Enid.) Ms. Chapley: Urusula is looking pretty fierce right now! Enid: She's been talking about Disney for the past few minutes. Colleen: Come to think of it, Kerry might be more of the same. (Kerry dashes toward them.) Enid: Together? Colleen: Together. Enid/Colleen: Together! (Enid punches Kerry square in the face and Colleen ties up his ankles.) Enid: You did it Colleen! Colleen: We did it mom! Cosmo: It's beautiful, a mother and daughter bonding through brute force. Bob: It's a typical Saturday night when we pool over wrestling videos. Ned: Way to ruin the moment. Amber: Dadada, crisis averted, we still need to find a way out of here. Hanneke: I've got an idea, but it's pretty bold. (Hanneke takes out her cellphone.) Cosmo: Why didn't you do this before? Hanneke: Cosmo, you've been complaining about Kerry all day. I figured that once he was out we could find a way back to civilization. Cosmo: Well you got me there. Hanneke: Hello, Channel 29- Yes we were that bus. Don't ask me why I'm comfortable admitting it. We crashed straight off the left turn and we went straight ahead right after. (Hanneke hangs up.) Hanneke: Should be a few minutes. (After a while, a helicopter arrives and picks everyone up. A doctor examines Kerry and Ms. Chapley.) Doctor: So enlighten me, what happened? Colleen: They were fine moments ago and then they went nuts, more so than usual. Doctor: Did they consume any unknown foods? Angela: I don't- Wait! The berries. Doctor: Which ones? Angela: Small, green- Doctor: Well there's the problem. The Diablolocas are hallucinogenic berries, and... that's about it. We need to get their stomachs pumped. Cosmo: Take all the time you need. Alison: You know, in spite of Kerry, this was actually a pretty fun trip. Colleen: Yeah, thanks to the trip I feel more confident. Cosmo: So does that mean you won't pull any phony school days anymore? Alison: Believe me, school is looking pretty good right about now. Cosmo: And next time I'll be more diligent and keep Kerry out. Amber: Say, where're we heading? Pilot: Sorry, we have an emergency down by the East Coast, we need to be on it as soon as possible. Alison: Sold. (end)